Discussing the stages of life is never easy, but it still remains one of the most essential acts we can offer both ourselves, our loved ones, and members of our meeting. The upcoming workshop, Creating Your Advance Directives and End of Life Plan, which will be one of the three at the Grief, Loss & Bereavement: A Pastoral Care Thread Gathering On October 19th, will provide a welcoming space for Friends to navigate this delicate subject. Participants will gain insight into critical documents, such as living wills and healthcare directives, that help ensure their values and wishes are honored. The facilitators, Susan W. Hoskins (Newtown Friends Meeting) and Susan K. Garrison (Media Friends Meeting), will lead a discussion on completing important materials, offering peace of mind to us and those we care for.
Both Susan W. Hoskins and Susan K. Garrison, offer a compelling blend of expertise and guidance. Their workshop emphasizes not only the need for end-of-life planning but also the support and resources available in the Quaker community.
Susan Hoskins, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker for 20 years with a background in gerontology, previously directed the Princeton Senior Resource Center for 17 years before moving into her role at the Friends Foundation for the Aging. Her perspective on these conversations were clear:
“We can accompany each other on this journey, and it’s a journey through aging, not just looking at end of life.”
Her emphasis on shared experience reflects the mutual support that can be found within the community:
“I might be able to help you with your grocery shopping, but you can help me know what your journey as a caregiver of someone with dementia has been as I enter that stage—you know, we all have something to give, we all have something to gain.”
On the legal front, Susan Garrison, with over 40 years of estate planning and administration experience, will offer insights into logistics. She will remind participants of life’s unpredictability:
“You need to be prepared for these things all the time, because, as I’m fond of saying to clients, ‘Well, you know, you could walk out the door tomorrow and get hit by a bus, and you’re more likely to do that within five minutes of your home.'”
Her candid approach will acknowledge the complex emotions and decisions involved:
“I’m always very cautionary about documents… This is not simple.”
Garrison’s honesty about the difficulty of these conversations and preparing document provided a comforting reminder that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed by the process, while knowing support and guidance are always available.
They will be using the ARCH program workbook on Quaker Values and End of Life decision making, walking people through the complex terminology and issues involved in writing and sharing your wishes.
Another important point that will be discussed at the workshop is the need to be open within families. Hoskins emphasized that conversations about end-of-life wishes shouldn’t be left for holiday gatherings:
“So many people say, ‘well, I’m going to talk about it the next time my family is together’. I’m like, you are not going to talk at your Hanukkah meal or your Thanksgiving dinner or your Christmas dinner. So you pick which child, which family member is the one that you are most comfortable talking to, and you start there, and then you have that person help you talk to the next one, the next one. It’s fragments of conversation. It’s not a one and done kind of thing.”
This approach, starting small and building up the conversation, having several short conversations, offers a practical and compassionate way to open these often-difficult dialogues.
“I will go through the New York Yearly Meeting workbook with them and talk about each page—what’s on it, what it means, and be open to answering questions as we go, things like ‘A Tender Time,’ a book that Baltimore Yearly Meeting has produced, is now being used in other places by other groups. So we didn’t have to write it all over again; we just need to know what’s out there.”
By sharing these resources, the workshop reinforces a sense of community and equity, ensuring that all Friends, regardless of background, can access what they need.
“Even if you’re not ready to face it, you know, think about your own death and dying, those people in their twenties and thirties have parents that are aging… The conversation could be started by either side of this equation.” Hoskins also shared how it helps to have these documents in place for any adult age 18+ because it makes a horrible situation even worse if a young person is in a life-threatening situation and no one knows who is authorized to make decisions.
This workshop invites Friends of all ages and to give people language and permission to take these conversations back home and to their meetings. By fostering open dialogue, we can ensure that values and wishes are honored, and that our loved ones are supported through one of life’s most challenging experiences.
Friends are encouraged to attend the Thread Gathering on the 19th. Please contact Tara Rubinstien, trubinstein@pym.org, if you have any questions or need guidance on transportation.
_______________________________________________
Grief, Loss & Bereavement: A Pastoral Care Thread Gathering on October 19 will include two other workshops that Friends, who are grieving or weighed down by challenges and heartbreak, can attend:
Sharing our Losses of Loved Ones with the Support of Spirit, Meditation, and Song: Grieving is a difficult and challenging process, and it affects us all in different ways. By being with others who are grieving, we can work together to find help for ourselves and others as we move forward with our lives. Molly Hicks, Old Haverford Friends Meeting, and George Salloom, Old Haverford Friends Meeting, will offer a safe space for you to connect with others who are grieving. They will utilize their skills as grief support group facilitators to offer new paths toward healing through meditation, song, deep listening, and queries.
Sound and Silence Grief Circle: We sometimes feel weighed down by the range of challenges and heartbreak we can experience in our daily lives. You are invited to bring your grief, no matter how big or small, whether it was experienced yesterday or years ago, to the Sound and Silence Grief Circle. Let’s tend our hearts together. Let’s share the weight of our grief in a lovingly held space for expression, befriending, release and bearing witness to the pain we feel. Sound is our portal – Silence is our medicine – Community is our container. Reverend Rhetta Morgan crafts a space where songs and sound center us in the power of community, while silence provides the depth for spirit to tend our individual hearts.
